Run rabbit run!

So I take this half lapin (rabbit, 2 euro) and discard the eyes. Now I don't know if dey have four-eyed rabbits in France, it's a wonder dey catch dem if dey have. Anyway the two eyes are gone, kaput, I mean if you invite yo friends to eat and dey see dem seeing dem dey not be coming back. Well I chops him up a bit an flours him and puts him in a hot pan wif da local olive oil til he is brown all over and smelling good. Bang he is in da pot. Den I find da veges I have in de bottom of de cupboard, onion, carrot, corjet?, potato, garlic, fenuil (fennel) an I chops dem big and hearty and browns dem in de pan til they smell etc. Bang dey are in de pot too. Now yo best cognac yo put in a glass and drink quick(da world might end before yo are finished!, yo worst brandy yo put in de hot pan an flambo (light with a match dear boy, you numbskull!) an scrape up all de goodies from da bottom. Bingo into da pot. Yo cover with water. On no account do yo drink da water, the same without alcohol is very dangerous! Throw three handfuls of de brown lentil, some salt, fat peppercorns, herbs de provence (or whatever), a little chilli and simmer for 14 days. But, But! Yo must eat after 2-3 hours. Now I don't tell yo to taste but yo should know by now. After the good cooking (the shorter version) yo have by yo side, balsamic, soy sauce, red wine vinegar an yo taste an yo add a little an yo taste. Need more chilli? Need more salt? Da lapin must have a balance and his eyes are still watchin yo to make sure yo balance him right.
OK yo can use da chicken if yo want!