Friday, July 24, 2009


Confusion reigns for me at the moment. Should I paint/collage/sculpt and can I? Should I earn a living/need to/want to. Am I worthy/despicable/ordinary. If I had one year left to live would I be angry/sad/indifferent/change anything.
In this state I tend to look outside myself for direction when all the time it is my motor that needs overhauling.
Go back to simple things and just do, I say to myself, without thought of approval/dollars/time.
I started writing this blog because I felt a need to express myself through words but I've met so many brilliant blogger friends that lately I feel I am trying to keep up with them and not doing what comes naturally.
Naughty boy. Denise is in Australia with her Da and Sam is at the mountain snowboarding so the house is my studio and I'll be messy and eat biscuits and collage to my hearts' content.
Yes I've made a decision!!


BBC said...

If I had one year left to live would I be angry/sad/indifferent/change anything.

Death really isn't a concept to me but if I knew I had one year to live I would spend it doing as much camping as I could.

I've been here 30 more years than I expected to be, but the extra beers were nice.

I can't speak for you so I don't know if you should change anything or not.

But I do know this, I wouldn't be working on an empire, I would be visiting with friends, drinking some beer and doing a lot of camping and spending a lot of time in nature.

My biggest fear is to die in a fucking town.

chook said...

I agree Billy that death isn't really a concept. It's a lot more black and white than that and simple things have a way of keeping you grounded and happy. But I've always had this notion of a greater good. There is so much injustice in the world and by sitting around on my hands I can't change that. But my way of changing injustice is so puny it makes me unhappy. Perhaps I should build an empire so it gives me the power to do some good but I see empire builders enjoying their empire and power and wanting to keep the status quo in case they lose it.
(Sigh)I'm just another white, middle class, frustrated liberal.

Shubhajit said...

I love your blog because it is philosophical in a practical sense. I see a person through words (even if you lie it doesn't matter to me) I do not have name and form in my mind and I contemplate only on thoughts. The thoughts are more powerful, thought travel far. What if you were not sailor/artist/thinker/New Zealander and your name would be anything Tom, Dick and Harry. I only respect thoughts. Same with everybody.

Regarding confusion I only quote from a text..

"The more you think of yourself as shining immortal spirit,
the more eager you will be to be absolutely free of matter,
body, and senses. This is the intense desire to be free. "

chook said...

Thanx Shubhajit, I love your blog because you are a teacher who teachs by doing. I am constantly astounded by the places your mind goes.
I have found we become free when we forget the quest for freedom.
We become happy when we stop trying to find happiness.
It's a paradox, the harder you try the greater the failure.
I guess the trick is to be able to recognise happiness/freedom when they find you.

Shubhajit said...

Excellent! I never thought in that way.

Anonymous said...

Hey Chook it's a good thing to question yourself from time to time after all you know what they say "he who asks a question is a fool for five minutes, one who does not ask a question remains a fool forever. The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling confused, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.

chook said...

Too true TBone, but a little peace occasionally would be nice. Whoops, there's that dreaded word again.

Ganga Fondan said...

I found your link on "Blade of Grass". I enjoy watching the journey of the artist unfold. Honoring that innner call on a deeper and deeper level has been my journey too. Great blog. Thanks for letting me in on your thoughts. :)